Before, After, During and WAY After

Thanks to EVERYONE for all your Birthday Wishes and gifts!

A very special Thanks to my daughter Michaela who made my 53rd Birthday a Great Day!

One of the presents I received was a new hair do!  I cut off ALL my hair!  But that's not all, I won a make over from Today's Woman Now (http://www.todayswomannow.com/); a local women's magazine.  I will be one of several other winners featured in their September 2013 edition.  I'll be keeping you posted!  For Sure!  For Sure!

I'm not ashamed to say that I am very happy to be in the 50+ crowd.  Hells Bells!  I'm just damn happy to have have made it past 30!!!!

Nothing like waking up each morning ALIVE!  

Like all years before, I did a mini life review.  Looking back on all I did, all that I wish I hadn't done, all that I wish I could have done, but didn't.  All those things I wish I took the time to say, but didn't.  All the things I did say and wished I hadn't.  And so on. 

Not too many regrets really. Just a bitter-sweet remembrance of a year that came and passed too quickly.

Interestingly enough, there was a blast from my past.  I don't know how it all come about.  Maybe it was some crazed curiosity, twisted nostalgia or insane need for self torture that brought it all about.  Sufficient to say, I decided to check out some of the people who have come and gone from my life over the last few years.  

In all honesty, I was a bit disappointed in what I found.     Not sure why.   We didn't part friends.  In fact, there's one that I still consider my nemesis.    With that said,   You would think I would have rejoiced knowing they hadn't gotten any further than the last time I had seen them.   But I found it rather sad really.  There is one thing, however, that even now, after all these years, I still have a small measure of respect for any man or woman pushing waaaaay past 40 and still living with their mother!      I truly believe that accounts for something.    *LOLOLOLOL*

This trip down memory lane was a wake up call for me personally.  While I have had some successes along the way, I need to really kick it into the next gear.  Which is why I believe I won the make-over contest.    This was the Universe's way of giving me the green light!

Like I stated up above.  I will be keeping you posted on the events and will let you know when the issue is out!

Until then...

Live, Laugh and Love more than you did yesterday and as if there's no Tomorrow!

Known as The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape, Julia has made it her personal mission to put Reality back into Spirituality™. Julia sets out to assist people in expanding their conscious awareness through her rather unique and personal take on the human experience. 

In the style comparable to Erma Bombeck, Julia utilizes her own brand of humor and down to earth demeanor to get her messages across in an all so delightful way!





Unless otherwise specified, ALL articles on this Blogger are the property of Julia K. Cole.  The ZEN of Duct Tape™, it's name, teachings, modalities, and all excerpts; the nicknames The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape™,  The Duct Tape Diva™; Putting Reality Back Into Spirituality™, Reality back into Spirituality™ are the property and trade marks of Julia K. Cole and are protected under Copy Right Laws both here in the USA and Around The World.  

All Rights Reserved©™

The Empress on Being Thankful

So What are you thankful for?

Whenever I am asked this question, the first answer that pops into my head is ... I'm  thankful for not being one of these people who walk around with their head stuck up their ass!

While that answer, for some, may come across as crass -- it is my sincerest  heartfelt feelings.  And I don't make any apologies for it.

It is my hope  that one day,  I can say with conviction ... I am thankful there are no more people walking around with their heads up their asses!

I can dream -- can't I?

I could go on and on about what I am thankful for ... but I won't.  The list is enormous and  there isn't enough room on this note to list every single thing I am thankful for.   Sufficient to say ... I am one very  thankful person. 

I'll be spending the last Thursday in November helping those in need.  Paying it forward by continuing my work in doing all I can to relieve the Earth of the gruesome  burden  of this ever increasing epidemic known as  cranial uppitus gluteus maximus malfuctionus more commonly known as ... head up the ass disorder.

And yes, before you say anything ... I realize I have my work cut out for me. 

At any rate ... I wish to express my utmost thanks to ALL of You for being a part of my journey!  Granted, Some of you, I really think I  could have done without.   Irregardless, know that I am thankful for the time we shared -- even more  thankful that it was a short length of time!  Not to mention,  I am extremely thankful knowing our paths will never cross outside this virtual world.  

For those of you who have been with me the longest, and continue walking with me on this path ... you are some really twisted and  sick so and so's!  Something I truly appreciate in a person!    I am so very thankful that you are MY  twisted and sick so and so's!

 With sincerest gratitude ... I am compelled to say in closing,  that no matter how far your head may be up your ass ... no matter how sick and twisted you are ... no matter  how long you may be in my life or how short that time may be ... I am Thankful for each and every one of you! 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The Empress on Motherhood

For most of my adult life I have been a mom.  Half of that has been spent being a single mom.   But  I'm not your typical mother by any means!

 Gross understatement if there ever was one,  I know!   

Truth is -- I am not one of these mothers who is a PTA member or who is the first on the scene with baked goods on hand for her kid's bake sales, I don't do car pools and  arts & crafts aren't my thing.

 I can't remember the last time I went to the beauty shop to get my nails and hair done.  In fact, there are days when my hair hasn't been combed or my teeth been brushed -- which  is perhaps the only time everyone leaves me alone! My cuticles are torn and raggedy the majority of the time due to me having to be Josephine the Plumber,  Harriet the Handy-woman and Mildred the Maid!   

I have all sorts of make up ... but rarely apply it.  I've come to enjoy the au naturale look now.  And though  Estee Lauder "Youth Dew" is my favorite perfume,  the only scent I sport these days  is Suave™ Deodorant. 

My normal daily attire no longer consists of neatly pressed shirts, slacks and/or skirts  that were perfectly accessorized with pristine jewelry and scarves and the like.  These have been replaced by a pair of over sized sweat pants or pajama bottoms, matching equally over sized shirts, a pair of socks and slippers or flip flops--depending on the weather.  The only accessory nowadays  is a matching scrunchie to keep me from looking like Medusa's bastard sister!

 I am not someone who projects a "perfect" home setting 24/7 -- reason being, I don't give a rat's ass what other people think.  Unlike my mother whose focus was always on what the neighbors had on their so called minds.

  In truth, you won't find any June Cleavers or Donna Reeds  types here. My house isn't filthy, just cluttered.   Though I do seem to vaguely remember a time when clutter was not part of my home decor.   But that was before I became a mom. 

Back when my kids were younger ... my house was filled with the usual assortment of the latest action figures, dolls, stuffed animals and TV cartoon characters, videos and games.   Couldn't walk through the house without bumping into, stepping on or sitting down on one or the other.

 Nothing like pulling one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles out of your ass before you take your first sip of coffee to get your mornings started!  Let me tell ya!

 Now that my youngest is a teenager, my house  is cluttered with books, dirty dishes, shoes and varied articles of clothing that I am constantly reminding her to pick up, put away and/or wash!  oy!

I know there are some moms who keep a clutter free clean home.     These are the women  who are the  Martha Stewart graduates. You know the type.  Those women who are immaculate and keep the proverbial home fires burning all the while looking  like they just stepped out of the beauty parlor as they tote their kids and their kids' friends everywhere, do all the shopping,  cooking, gardening, not miss one PTA meeting or school event, run some auxillary, oversee some  bake and/or rummage sale, volunteer and what have you.     Yea real Stepford Wives-like.   

 I have to admit that  I sometimes suspect  they are  all related to that chick on Bewitched!.

Now don't get me wrong!  In no way do I  envy these women.  I just want to know where in the hell do they have the time and energy???!!!!!   

Now once upon a time -- B.T.C.C. (before the children came) -- I was a young, beautiful, intelligent and some might even go as far as saying -- sane -- woman. 

I am still considered beautiful.  And though  I am no longer young -- I am young at heart and in mind.   I will be turning 50 this year--and  my mind still thinks it's 16 yrs old!!!  Of course,  my body reminds me constantly it isn't.  Especially when I am faced with a flight of stairs! 

I am still intelligent ...but only when my memory doesn't fail me.    I'm pretty sure I had a photogenic memory once.  But it appears  I forgot to replace the film one too many times over the years.  

The good news, I do remember the good times I had over the 20 plus years I have been a mother.    And though I don't remember much, if anything,  of  my life before becoming a mom -- the photographs in my family album tell me I did in fact had one! 

 Many years ago, when my oldest son was about 11 years old, he, his grandmother and I were flipping through an old family album at his grandmother's house.  He spotted a picture of a beautiful young woman with perfectly coiffed hair, dressed in a blue velvet evening gown, wisps of curls brushed across  her bare milky white shoulders as she sat upon an oval Queen Ann styled chair,  posed in an elegant queenly fashion.    My son gasped as he gazed at the picture and exclaimed: "who's the babe?"  To which my mother replied with a laugh ... "that babe is your mother!"  Naturally my son stared at me and asked ... "What happened to you?" 

Smart Ass!  Don't know where he gets it!

The photographs aren't the only reminders of a life I had once upon a time. 

The worn out sneakers and various tee shirts, jeans and capris that are aligned next to my business suits, party dresses and stiletto heels remind me of the woman I had once been and the woman I am now.  The beautiful jewelry and scarves that line the top of my dresser help jog my memory of those days before becoming a mommy. 

I seem to recall times when I got excited over the latest fashion.  Now my excitement stems from finding the latest new fangled box of detergent on sale or when I find a  roll of duct tape in a color I don't yet have.   Sad, but true!

There was a time I got all gussied up to attend some fashionable gatherings with adults.  Now the only gatherings I attend where there are actual adults are school field trips and the weekly jaunt to the local grocers and malls.   Getting gussied up these days means I put on a clean shirt and some pants that aren't sweats or pjs. 

With respect to my sanity.  Well, that is an issue best left for the courts to decide I suppose.  There are days I am certain I am crazier than a horse fly trying to land on a pile of freshly made manure.   Times Where clarity, reality and the totally bizarre all seem to be the same exact thing. 

Most often than not, I can barely remember what I went in the next room for, better yet where I laid my glasses only to discover that they were still on my face.  Caring what others think was never an issue with me, but now ... it's even less of an issue as I can barely remember who any of "those people" are!

According to my children, this makes me crazy.  And they should know!  After all  they know everything!

I don't regret becoming a mother.  Even when my kids are all conspiring to either send me to the looney bin or to an early grave (or both!)!  Being a mom has been, and continues to be, one of my greatest and most favorite adventures.

If anyone were to ask what the best part of being a mother is ... my reply would be ...

Just as all the women before me, being a mom insures the legacy of lunacy we all call motherhood  will continue on for generations to come.  And in the end,  like all those other mothers of generations past, I will have the last laugh! 

Because I know, as they knew, that for all the freeze dried bullshit my kids put me through -- my sons and my daughter will have the task of raising children who were worse than them! 

Ain't Motherhood Grand?

Why I Honor Christmas --- Empress: The Untold Story

I have had many people ask me what the ranting about the holidays is all about.  Even had one person ask me who pissed in my Wheaties.  First of all ... don't eat Wheaties ... can't afford'em!   

Really sad when one of your life's ambitions is to make enough money to actually purchase a box of Wheaties ... ain't it?   And what is the deal with the high price of cereal anyways???!!!  Really crappy how expensive one box of friggin' cereal is!  oy vey! 

But I'll leave that particular rant for another day!  Right now I want to address my reasons (as I have many) for expressing my distaste for those who are making it their life's work to do away with the holidays ... in particular and most especially CHRISTMAS!

Join me now as we step in the Way Back machine ... turning back the dial to those days long since gone ... back to yesteryear ... back ... back ...  back ...  (I'm an old broad ... it's gonna be a long trip... hope you packed a snack!) .... BACK to where it all began .... 

12:03 a.m. July 25, 1960

(this is where you would normally hear some sort of corny dramatic music...

use your imagination!)

Well here I am!  All fresh and new from the womb!  Damn bright light burning my retinas like a beeeeeatch!  oy!  Thought that light came AFTER I died sheesh!    What is up with THAT? 

Now I know what you are thinking ... how the hell does she remember all that stuff?  Simple!  I was actually conscious when I came sailing through that great divide!  And too ...   In case you didn't notice ... I'm not like other people! 

At any rate .. as I lay there while that quack ... I mean crack team of medical professionals cleaned me up ... I started laughing!  (True Story by the way ... the entire family still regales me with it ... unfortunately)  Yes!  I came into this dreary world LAUGHING!  I was actually glad to be here. 

I remember thinking how happy I was!  Truly happy! 

Yea ... happy to be out of that rather tight fitting accommodations they had me in.  Sheesh!  You would think as much as the human belly can stretch it wouldn't have been so closed in ... ya know?  oy vey!

Anyways ... that's how it all started!  I came into the world Happy ... Laughing ... seriously delirious ... no doubt all those drugs they gave my mother during the labor ... oy!

If I knew then ... what I know now ... I would have insisted that the doctor give me a life time supply of that crap!  oy vey!

Okay ... fast forward to December 1965. 

This is when I first realized we didn't participate in the festivities.  You see ... my mother is a devout Jehovah's Witness ... and for whatever idiotic reason ... she thought it was a great idea to live in an ALL Catholic Neighborhood!  ohhhh yea!    In fact ... St Cecilia Church was only 3 blocks down the street!  yea that's right!  a Catholic Church!  And what's this?  Right on the corner of our street?  Would that be the house where all the Nuns lived????  CATHOLIC NUNS!!!!!!  Are there any other?  oy vey!

I have nothing against the Catholics!  I have nothing against Nuns!  I dig Nuns!  Loved those habits!  I always liked that whole black and white ensemble!    Still do!

But you have to admit ... it wasn't the best possible choice for a comfort zone if you get my meaning here people!!!

This whole scenario brings new meaning to "sticking out like a sore thumb"  ... doesn't it?  Oh but WAIT!  There's More!!!

We were the ONLY house not to have any snazzy colored lights ... or a dazzling tree in our front window.    I wasn't allowed to say Merry Christmas ... I wasn't allowed to watch any of the Christmas shows like Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer or A Charlie Brown Christmas or Miracle on 42nd Street or 32nd street or Hollywood & Vine .. or whatever street it was  on ... Hell you know what I'm talking about!  oy!  I didn't get to watch  A Christmas Carol or that one damn Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart... the one where he dies and his dingbat of an Angel Clarence shows him what would have happened if he had never been born. 

I didn't get to listen to Christmas songs ... go carolling ... I didn't get to eat any figgy pudding (still don't know what the hell that is... dont' think I want to either!), I  didn't get to  hang mistletoe or deck the halls with boughs of holly or any of that cool stuff!

I never got to experience sneaking down right at midnight on Christmas to catch Santa in the act!  I didn't even get to leave the old fat fart any cookies and milk! 

Yea! Sad story ... total tragedy!  There's actually more ... but I don't want to depress any of ya'll! 

Sufficient to say .. now you know why I am so adamant about keeping Christmas!   Why I am so hellbent on saying Merry Christmas and not .. Happy Holidays!  Why I am so damn determined to sing Christmas songs and spread the spirit of Christmas! 

Even though I was not allowed to participate in the festivities .. in my heart I had the True Spirit of Christmas!  And I believed in Santa Claus!  Still do!  I like his bright red suit and shiny black boots and his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he says HO! HO! HO!  Just indeedy I do! 

And yes!  I believe that each and every time a bell rings an Angel gets their wings!!!!  And I ring those bells people!!!!  Yes I do! I do!!!

And ain't nobody taking that away from me!!!! 

Fast forwarding again folks ... so hold on to your panties!  

November 1990  ... BLACK FRIDAY  (dramatic music ... use your imagination!)

Having finally breaking completely free from the J.W. indoctrination ... and having spent the entire Thanksgiving watching every single Christmas movie I could get my hands on ... I boldly took my now new found paganistic heathen ass to the nearest WalMart (at 3 a.m. nonetheless!) and purchased my very first Christmas tree and Christmas ornaments!  I made sure I had several different kinds of cookies (wasn't sure what kind Santa liked ... and wasn't taking any chances!) and several gallons of milk.  I shopped for presents and wrapping paper and bows and cute little gift bags and all sorts of Christmas albums. 

I was up to my armpits in debt and loving every moment of it!  I was finally having my very first Christmas!!!!    Pity those folks at Wally World didn't work on commission cause they would have made enough to retire that year! 

But that's how it all began folks!  And now you know The Untold Story!

Now this true tale of how one little girl's dream of having a Christmas.  I hope it will help someone remember the joy & splendor of the season.  It is my desire someone, just one person will remember that Christmas is the one day out of the year that we can use as an excuse to be a little nicer ... to be a little more giving of ourselves ... To give us a moment to think about Peace on Earth and Having Good will towards all those who share this planet!  And maybe ... we will get so addicted to that feeling of doing good and being nice that we will want Christmas all year 'round!  yea!

Or ...  maybe ...

*****Insert Very BIG Grin****** 

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This might guilt you all into sending me Duct tape ... and LOTS OF IT! 

I mean after all I spent Thirty (count'em ... THIRTY) years of not having a friggin' Christmas People!!!  :-) 

Known as The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape, Julia has made it her personal mission to put Reality back into Spirituality™. Julia sets out to assist people in expanding their conscious awareness through her rather unique and personal take on the human experience. 

In the style of Erma Bombeck, Julia utilizes her own brand of humor and down to earth demeanor to get her messages across in an all so delightful way. 

PLEASE NOTE:  All artwork, unless otherwise specified, are the property of the individual artists themselves. The author of these blogs claims no ownership of the original artwork, but only of the sig tags created using said artwork. Each sig tag shown on these blogs include the appropriate copyright information of the Artists and the unique licensure for use.

Reproduction and copying of said work without proper authority is strictly prohibited




Unless otherwise specified, ALL articles on this Blogger are the property of Julia K. Cole.  The ZEN of Duct Tape™, it's name, teachings, modalities, and all excerpts; the nicknames The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape™,  The Duct Tape Diva™; Putting Reality Back Into Spirituality™, Reality back into Spirituality™ are the property and trade marks of Julia K. Cole and are protected under Copy Right Laws both here in the USA and Around The World.  

All Rights Reserved©™