I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! 

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. 

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is > crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. 

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: 

* Men can't pack a bag. 

* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. 

* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. 

* Men don't answer their mail. 

* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a 'bowlful of jelly.' 

* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. 

* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. 

* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. 

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... 

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. 

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of 'The Christmas Song,' it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. 

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! 

Source:  http://jokeindex.com/

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Brief Synopsis:

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Merry Christmas!

Why I Honor Christmas --- Empress: The Untold Story

I have had many people ask me what the ranting about the holidays is all about.  Even had one person ask me who pissed in my Wheaties.  First of all ... don't eat Wheaties ... can't afford'em!   

Really sad when one of your life's ambitions is to make enough money to actually purchase a box of Wheaties ... ain't it?   And what is the deal with the high price of cereal anyways???!!!  Really crappy how expensive one box of friggin' cereal is!  oy vey! 

But I'll leave that particular rant for another day!  Right now I want to address my reasons (as I have many) for expressing my distaste for those who are making it their life's work to do away with the holidays ... in particular and most especially CHRISTMAS!

Join me now as we step in the Way Back machine ... turning back the dial to those days long since gone ... back to yesteryear ... back ... back ...  back ...  (I'm an old broad ... it's gonna be a long trip... hope you packed a snack!) .... BACK to where it all began .... 

12:03 a.m. July 25, 1960

(this is where you would normally hear some sort of corny dramatic music...

use your imagination!)

Well here I am!  All fresh and new from the womb!  Damn bright light burning my retinas like a beeeeeatch!  oy!  Thought that light came AFTER I died sheesh!    What is up with THAT? 

Now I know what you are thinking ... how the hell does she remember all that stuff?  Simple!  I was actually conscious when I came sailing through that great divide!  And too ...   In case you didn't notice ... I'm not like other people! 

At any rate .. as I lay there while that quack ... I mean crack team of medical professionals cleaned me up ... I started laughing!  (True Story by the way ... the entire family still regales me with it ... unfortunately)  Yes!  I came into this dreary world LAUGHING!  I was actually glad to be here. 

I remember thinking how happy I was!  Truly happy! 

Yea ... happy to be out of that rather tight fitting accommodations they had me in.  Sheesh!  You would think as much as the human belly can stretch it wouldn't have been so closed in ... ya know?  oy vey!

Anyways ... that's how it all started!  I came into the world Happy ... Laughing ... seriously delirious ... no doubt all those drugs they gave my mother during the labor ... oy!

If I knew then ... what I know now ... I would have insisted that the doctor give me a life time supply of that crap!  oy vey!

Okay ... fast forward to December 1965. 

This is when I first realized we didn't participate in the festivities.  You see ... my mother is a devout Jehovah's Witness ... and for whatever idiotic reason ... she thought it was a great idea to live in an ALL Catholic Neighborhood!  ohhhh yea!    In fact ... St Cecilia Church was only 3 blocks down the street!  yea that's right!  a Catholic Church!  And what's this?  Right on the corner of our street?  Would that be the house where all the Nuns lived????  CATHOLIC NUNS!!!!!!  Are there any other?  oy vey!

I have nothing against the Catholics!  I have nothing against Nuns!  I dig Nuns!  Loved those habits!  I always liked that whole black and white ensemble!    Still do!

But you have to admit ... it wasn't the best possible choice for a comfort zone if you get my meaning here people!!!

This whole scenario brings new meaning to "sticking out like a sore thumb"  ... doesn't it?  Oh but WAIT!  There's More!!!

We were the ONLY house not to have any snazzy colored lights ... or a dazzling tree in our front window.    I wasn't allowed to say Merry Christmas ... I wasn't allowed to watch any of the Christmas shows like Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer or A Charlie Brown Christmas or Miracle on 42nd Street or 32nd street or Hollywood & Vine .. or whatever street it was  on ... Hell you know what I'm talking about!  oy!  I didn't get to watch  A Christmas Carol or that one damn Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart... the one where he dies and his dingbat of an Angel Clarence shows him what would have happened if he had never been born. 

I didn't get to listen to Christmas songs ... go carolling ... I didn't get to eat any figgy pudding (still don't know what the hell that is... dont' think I want to either!), I  didn't get to  hang mistletoe or deck the halls with boughs of holly or any of that cool stuff!

I never got to experience sneaking down right at midnight on Christmas to catch Santa in the act!  I didn't even get to leave the old fat fart any cookies and milk! 

Yea! Sad story ... total tragedy!  There's actually more ... but I don't want to depress any of ya'll! 

Sufficient to say .. now you know why I am so adamant about keeping Christmas!   Why I am so hellbent on saying Merry Christmas and not .. Happy Holidays!  Why I am so damn determined to sing Christmas songs and spread the spirit of Christmas! 

Even though I was not allowed to participate in the festivities .. in my heart I had the True Spirit of Christmas!  And I believed in Santa Claus!  Still do!  I like his bright red suit and shiny black boots and his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he says HO! HO! HO!  Just indeedy I do! 

And yes!  I believe that each and every time a bell rings an Angel gets their wings!!!!  And I ring those bells people!!!!  Yes I do! I do!!!

And ain't nobody taking that away from me!!!! 

Fast forwarding again folks ... so hold on to your panties!  

November 1990  ... BLACK FRIDAY  (dramatic music ... use your imagination!)

Having finally breaking completely free from the J.W. indoctrination ... and having spent the entire Thanksgiving watching every single Christmas movie I could get my hands on ... I boldly took my now new found paganistic heathen ass to the nearest WalMart (at 3 a.m. nonetheless!) and purchased my very first Christmas tree and Christmas ornaments!  I made sure I had several different kinds of cookies (wasn't sure what kind Santa liked ... and wasn't taking any chances!) and several gallons of milk.  I shopped for presents and wrapping paper and bows and cute little gift bags and all sorts of Christmas albums. 

I was up to my armpits in debt and loving every moment of it!  I was finally having my very first Christmas!!!!    Pity those folks at Wally World didn't work on commission cause they would have made enough to retire that year! 

But that's how it all began folks!  And now you know The Untold Story!

Now this true tale of how one little girl's dream of having a Christmas.  I hope it will help someone remember the joy & splendor of the season.  It is my desire someone, just one person will remember that Christmas is the one day out of the year that we can use as an excuse to be a little nicer ... to be a little more giving of ourselves ... To give us a moment to think about Peace on Earth and Having Good will towards all those who share this planet!  And maybe ... we will get so addicted to that feeling of doing good and being nice that we will want Christmas all year 'round!  yea!

Or ...  maybe ...

*****Insert Very BIG Grin****** 

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This might guilt you all into sending me Duct tape ... and LOTS OF IT! 

I mean after all I spent Thirty (count'em ... THIRTY) years of not having a friggin' Christmas People!!!  :-) 

Known as The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape, Julia has made it her personal mission to put Reality back into Spirituality™. Julia sets out to assist people in expanding their conscious awareness through her rather unique and personal take on the human experience. 

In the style of Erma Bombeck, Julia utilizes her own brand of humor and down to earth demeanor to get her messages across in an all so delightful way. 

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