Domestic Violence. It's Everybody's Business!
But how many turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to it? Sadly too many to count.
While the majority of such violence reported involved women and children, an alarming number of men who are victims go unreported ... even ignored.
"... activists for “men’s rights” have suggested that policy-oriented efforts for women have been misplaced, because they focus entirely on women as the victims of domestic violence.
“men are the victims of domestic violence at least as often as women” (Brott, 1994). "
[emphasis added]
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And we are not just talking about gay men in this regard. Hetero-sexual men fall prey to domestic abuse as well. You don't hear about it very often -- if at all. Pride and shame prevent many of these men from coming forward. Shame of not being seen as a "real" man if they are being physically beaten up or verbally assaulted. Especially, and in particularly, if their abuser is a woman! And for our gay brothers ... the blame for being who they are is used to guilt them into staying silent.
So, for the most part, they all collectively suffer alone.
But why keep quiet? Why hide the abuse?
Like women, men go through the same emotional ups and downs, blaming themselves, taking on the responsibility of their partner's abusive behavior. Men share the same type of shame for allowing it to happen, the same type of guilt for not being good enough and so on. The same helplessness and hopelessness is shared. Like women, men who are abused undergo all the above. However, unlike women, men who are victimized deal with one additional burden ... gender stereo typing.
Men who are abused by women often suffer in silence. In addition to the shame shared by many women victims of domestic violence, men must overcome gender stereotypes.
The emotional scars cannot be seen; and the physical scars are laughed off and/or lied about. The pain and anguish is compounded when they hear someone say ... "take it like a man!"
Take it like a man -- meaning -- Take your licks and count yourself lucky you are still breathing and able to walk around! You're a man after all!
Too many of our men have suffered at the hands of their abusers for far too long. They take the abuse for one reason or another -- "taking it like a man", as it were, for fear of being seen less than what they truly are.
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Growing up, I witnessed domestic violence first hand. Both parents abusing each other -- verbally and physically. But whenever the police came ... it was always my father they arrested. Why? Because he was the man! They saw his injuries as something he deserved and/or something he was expected to take. Adding insult to injury --- they viewed it as my mother defending herself each and every time. Little did they know (or even cared) ... a good percentage of those injuries my father incurred over the years were due to my mother hitting him first! And most of the time without little to no provocation!
But daddy took it like the man he was! And he suffered quietly through the emotional turmoil, through the hurtful and spiteful jabs made by neighbors, friends and family members.
There were only a few instances where daddy did get physical with mother. The first incident was when Mother came at him with a butcher knife. During an attempt to wretch it from her hand, daddy broke her little finger. The second incident occurred a little over a year later, when she came after him with a baseball bat. She had swung at him, barely missing his head. Daddy turned around, grabbed mother and slammed her against a solid wood door, bruising her entire back. Out of anger, frustration and no doubt abject fear, daddy punched his fist through the closet door.
Though it was in true self-defense, daddy was arrested for both incidents. And while I don't condone his actions (and neither did he), I can see why he did it -- why he had to.
When I was grown, I asked my father why he took it. He told me ... that's what a real man does. Crying about it makes you weak! So you take it like a man and keep moving forward--hoping one day it will get better!
And then you have men who go to jail -- for literally not doing anything -- but was incarcerated for the lies the woman in his life has told. The law took the woman's side -- even when the man had visible injuries!
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Working in the legal field, I witnessed a great deal of injustice against men. One case that stands out in my mind was "Charles" -- a long time client and colleague who came to our office early one morning. His dark handsome face was bruised, his left eye swollen shut, his right arm in a cast. Every step he made was agony. He had sustained a broken arm, several fractured ribs and a sprang ankle. Looking at him, one would immediately assume he had been in some kind of auto accident. Sadly, he was a victim of domestic violence.
His wife of three years had been beating him on a regular basis. While the physical injuries were, on average, sustained monthly --- the verbal and emotional abuse had been taking place daily (we found this out during our investigation).
This case happened nearly 16 years ago and I will never forget what my boss told "Charles" when he came in. "I hope you packed your tooth brush pal! 'Cause you and I both know you're going to jail today!"
And he did. Though his wife never sustained so much as a scratch, and all medical records of his injuries were provided -- "Charles" was sentenced to one year for domestic abuse!
The lies told were criminal all unto itself. But the literal miscarriage of justice in this particular instance was more than unbelievable -- it was unimaginable!
So why was "Charles" jailed for domestic violence? Most men, by appearance only, are seen intimidating and/or threatening. I believe this was the case with "Charles". I feel and truly believe that because of his nearly seven foot, lean 205 pound athletic stature, he was deemed threatening to most people and his wife was a mere 5'2 and 98 pounds, it was always assumed that "Charles" was the abuser. Because "Charles" was a man he was always seen as the perpetrator of any and all domestic disputes.
On the flip-side ... his appearance worked against him in other ways. How so? Most men (and women) saw "Charles" as a wuss, a sissy for allowing the abuse to take place. After all ... he was the man! And a giant of a man to boot!
For "Charles" and men like him ... it was a no win situation.
Sadly -- similar (or worse) cases happens all too often.
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The good news is ... (if you can call it that) the laws are changing. Albeit ever so slowly. But they are changing in regards to how domestic violence is being handled by our legal system.
But they can only change and improve if we arm ourselves with knowledge and awareness. The laws can only change and improve if we ourselves change and improve the way we view one another!
Remembering first and foremost that we are human beings -- men and women.
I urge you to join together in bringing an end to this type of violence for both genders--irregardless of their sexual orientation! But most importantly, I ask that all of you -- both ladies and gentlemen --Keep in mind that men are human beings too! They are just as vulnerable to the same feelings we women have. They are susceptible to the same injuries inflicted as we would be. They need to know that we do not look down on them for enduring such atrocities. We don't see them less than a man for going through these traumas.
And as for you men ... Stand up and let your voices be heard!
For you macho types ... get over yourselves!
If you know of anyone -- be they male or female -- Gay, Straight or Bi -- who is living with domestic violence ... please make an effort to help. I am Not asking you to put your life on the line ... there are people you can call, services you can offer to the abused in ways no one has to know. But don't just stand there and do nothing!
If you are someone who is currently living with domestic violence ... SPEAK UP! REACH OUT! There are people out there ready, willing and able to help you.
If you are a man living with domestic violence or know someone who is ... there are places to go and people who will assist you. No judgments ... only understanding & compassion.
Please don't suffer in silence!
Below I have listed a few sites and resources, as well as articles on male victims of domestic violence. Pass them along to those in need. Together we can raise awareness so no one need suffer ever again!
Domestic Violence. It's Everybody's Business!
Resources:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7
S.A.F.E. (http://www.safe4all.org) concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbian women, because few services exist for these groups.
Articles of Interest:
