That has to be one of the most grossly under-stated lines ... Ever! And I speak from experience!
If you been following my blog for the last few months, you already know that one of my fears is standing out -- being seen and heard. Hard to believe! I know! But it's true! However, I am one of these people who prefer to face their fears. Okay, truthfully -- I face them after a few bouts of holding my breath, making myself sick, running and hiding, ditching and dodging and all that stuff like that there! But eventually, I do pull myself together and look my fear right in the eye.
My fears of being seen and heard stems from my childhood and was compounded throughout the years through a rather interesting series of events. To make a rather long story short -- each and every time I spoke up, made myself visible ... I was punished and attacked in some way. This in turn has created a knee-jerk reaction to develop. It's rather frustrating. Not only for me -- but for my friends and family as well. We all know I am very capable! We all know that when confronted, I have no reservations in standing up for myself or for others. But when it comes to really standing out -- to letting my light shine fully and brightly -- I will run for cover!
So in the spirit of facing my fears -- I made a conscious decision to follow through on two of my passions. One was to complete the books I started. One of which I have! Yippee! The others are still in draft form. Though they require some heavy duty editing ... I am very pleased to announce... they are actually written! Secondly, to follow my love of entertaining by returning to Blog Talk Radio.
Returning to doing a radio show was a huge step for me. And I am not ashamed to say it -- I was terrified! Literally scared out of my mind! Actually got sick two days before the show aired!
Granted, I'm not new to the internet radio scene. Far from it. In fact, I had a weekly talk show on Blog Talk Radio called Namaste Beloved! which began airing in the Spring of 2007. Before that, I had spent six months as a co-host on another internet show; and had been guest hosting on numerous other internet radio shows as well. In short, I had become a "hot property" as far as internet radio shows go.
During the years Namaste Beloved! was on the air ... it had grown into a very popular show. In fact, in less than a year, the number of listeners went from a humble 10 to over 300 per week. Even now, the archives are receiving anywhere from 10-15 hits per day.
Now the question I'm sure running through everybody's mind right now is ... why did I quit? The answer is simple really. You see, as the show's popularity increased -- so did my fears of standing out in the crowd. These fears were compounded by a host of incidents -- both on and off line. Sufficient to say, it isn't any wonder I ran and hid.
Between 1998-2006, I was attending on average ... one funeral a week. Not only was I dealing with the loss of family members and close friends, I had two of my clients commit suicide -- 6 months apart from each other. One of which had killed himself while on the telephone with me. Then there was dealing with a former colleague who went about slandering me all over the internet--that was loads of fun (she says sarcastically). Not to mention, my family was falling apart at the seams. Then there was that lunatic religious zealot of a mother who was constantly admonishing me for not serving her precious false god and terrorizing my children with her hideous tales of Armageddon. Topping all this off was the constant pain and agony of bone spurs and advance arthritis, and then getting severely ill.
Yea, no stretch of the imagination needed here as to why I took off running like I did!
Interestingly enough , even as I was going through all that -- something deep inside of me kept pushing forward. But my fears of standing out -- being heard ... was overpowering me.
Intellectually, I knew that the only power these fears had was whatever I was giving it. But how do you convince someone who is down on the floor in a fetal position (metaphorically speaking) that it's all going to be okay? That everything they are experiencing is more of an illusion than actual reality?
There isn't really anything you can say or do to convince someone of something they've already made up their minds about. You can only be there to walk along side them -- bringing comfort when and where needed --lending a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a hand to hold -- all the while ... reassuring them ... that they are never alone!
For the most part, I didn't have that. I was left all alone to deal with my heartache and suffering--my family and friends had all but abandoned me. With only my spirit family by my side, I dealt with my challenges and issues on my own. All the while -- my spirit family kept urging me to step up and out -- reminding me that there were those in need of my assistance.
Their reminders, however, only seem to perpetuate the argument of "The Why's."
Why does it have to be me? Why should I be there for them, when they wasn't anyone there for me? Why should I be there for anyone else--what's the point? Why do I have to be the one taking all the risks? Why do I have to be the one that is strong? Why do I have to be the one that gets hurt? Why? Why? WHY???!!!!
The reply was always ... Why not? Followed by ... if not you -- then who?
Naturally, that little ego of mine had the answer and shouted ... there are a vast number of people all over the world with the same messages. Nobody needs me to step up. Those in need can get it elsewhere! They don't need me to come out of hiding ... taking all the risks ... taking all the chances of being attacked and hurt again! Being abandoned. They'll leave me as soon as they get what they want from me! They always do! They'll make fun of me! Call me crazy! They have in the past! And they will in the future! They will give all the credit to someone else who is more knowledgeable! More popular! Leaving you without so much as a thank you!
My spirit companion Antari-- provided me and my little ego with a counter viewpoint. Following is an expert from that conversation.
Antari: It is true that there are many who provide the same information you posses --however, not everyone will resonate with those particular individuals. It is not disparaging these individuals in any way. No, quite the contrary. For you see Beloved, what you have forgotten is the one all encompassing truth ... like attracts like.
Meaning, there are those who will resonate with you and not others. Therefore, you are being called upon to present these messages for those who are attracted to your unique energies.
Julia: But I don't want to get hurt again. You have no idea how painful it is to be rejected, attacked and ignored.
Antari: Question! Which is greater? The pain of being hurt by those who live in fear? Or the pain of regret of never helping another soul ... of never living up to your truths?
Julia: The pain of regret.
Antari: So by your own admission, the pains of regret of never helping others -- of never living up to your truths-- outweigh those pains of being hurt by those who live in fear? Am I understanding this correctly?
Julia: It's more complicated than that.
Antari: A simple yes or no, Beloved.
Julia: Yes. But ...
Antari: In essence, you fear regret of not living up to your truths more than facing the pain and suffering at the hands of those who live in fear? Is this correct?
Julia: Yes. But ... you don't seem to understand. You're not here in the physical with a physical body.
Antari: Ah! I see! I am incapable of understanding greater truths because I am not a physical being?
Julia: Well ... yea!
Antari: With that being said, I am compelled to ask ... what is your excuse?
Julia: *sigh*
Antari: You are most welcome Beloved!
*~*~*~*~*
Like so many of you, I had covered up that one particular fear of regret with other fears I believed to be more important. Once broken down -- those other fears only proved to be distractions. A literal cover up to what was far more important to me. The voice that was trying so hard to be heard. The "divine" nudging that was so desperately urging me to face the true fear that dwells deep within. The fear of not living up to my truths! The fear Of not being ME!
So ... In closing ... I pose the question to you ... which is your greater fear?
(Excerpts from The ZEN of Duct Tape: An Empress I Born! )
Known as The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape, Julia has made it her personal mission to put Reality back into Spirituality™. Julia sets out to assist people in expanding their conscious awareness through her rather unique and personal take on the human experience.
In the style of Erma Bombeck, Julia utilizes her own brand of humor and down to earth demeanor to get her messages across in an all so delightful way.
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