February 10, 2023 -- Friday
I'm just going to put it out there, I had a rough fucking night last night. mmmmkay? So if any of you are offended by the use of the infamous F word, or any other type of cussing, I strongly suggest you go and watch some kitten videos. For the rest of you, hunker down, grab your favorite drink, snack, etc. This is going to be a long ass story.
Earlier today, I was prepared to go all bitch mode and share my experiences from this morning but I was in too much pain to be bothered. Now that I have calmed down a bit, I will share a few of my experiences from this morning.
Sufficient to say, sciatica pain is a full on cunt whore. PERIOD! Just when I was convinced I was getting better, the pain doubled in my leg (I am now convinced my right leg is in cahoots with the sciatic nerve. Rat Bastards!!!). Ever been in bed and you found that perfect position and everything from the bed covers and pillow, to the temperature--all was sweet and perfect? That moment before drifting off to sleep you gladly say with happy conviction, Ahhhhhhhh! Well that's where I was. For the first time in over two weeks I finally was able to find my sweet spot and go to sleep. That was around 7 pm. Four hours later I am rudely awakened by what felt like somebody tying knots with my leg muscles. So I managed to pull my leg up and stretch. When the spasms stopped I fell back to sleep. Of course, roughly 30 minutes it happened again. It was a rinse and repeat cycle that continued for 2 hours. When it finally stopped, I decided to sleep another hour and get up. That was 2 a.m Promptly at 3:15 the spasms started up again. I couldn't take it any longer so I forced myself out of bed and dragged my treacherous traitor right leg and it's hateful cohort sciatica to the kitchen to make coffee. All I could think of was how much I hated my right leg and lower back. Looking at the butcher knife on the counter I entertained thoughts of surgically removing said traitor leg. Then thoughts of how pissed off my daughter would be for the mess I made. She just mopped the floor last night. It looked really good. Although it wouldn't hurt her if she would scrub that gunk from under the baseboards. Oy!
Pain heightens my awareness so much so that all of my Clair senses (Clairvoyance, Clairsentience, Clairalience, Clairgustance, Claircognizance) went into hyper drive! Which I really don't care for. Because now I can hear everything everyone is saying on the Other Side! (something I have been avoiding for years now). Though I don't see as well as I hear, I still catch glimpses of someone standing here or there, moving past me or reaching out to touch me. Something I really wish they wouldn't do. As I was going to the bathroom, I actually said excuse me to someone who was standing close to the door. I knew that wasn't a physical person. But it's still rude to just walk past someone standing that close and not say excuse me. Anyways, as I proceeded to carefully sit down on the toilet as the pain shot up through my leg and hip, I kept hearing a voice saying (what I thought was) Olga. Olga? Who the fuck is Olga? I yelled out, listen if you ain't gonna heal this shit, piss off. Last thing I need is some ghost wanting something. Get lost! Trying to pee here.
As I made my way back to my bed and my heating pad (God bless the person who invented the heating pad!) I feel a half dozen or so souls gathering around. I don't care for crowds and I hatefully conveyed that to those gathered. All but three departed. One was clearly female and she was the one whispering what I really thought was Olga. It wasn't until my spirit companion Antari finally showed up and said to me, she isn't saying Olga you nit. She is saying OGLE. You know that thing Kelly does. Well I ain't doing that right now, I'm in too much pain. I yelled through tears. So go back to your knitting ass hole. And thanks ever so much for the assist! O.G.L.E. seriously? Can't you all see I'm in excruciating pain here? What is wrong with you former people? Lose your empathy along with your flesh bag there Casper? Get OUT! Leave me alone. Son of Bitch. I looked up as I felt the female spirit just standing there looking at me. Lighting a cigarette, I stared straight at her and said, "you can stare at me all you want, but I am not going to OGLE right at this moment." I was ready to give her a good cussing out when the pain started again. Oh dear sweet Jesus! I yelled. This is too much. As I took a deep breath I heard the female spirit say you should bless your pain, not curse it. I tried blessing that bitch you ass and the pain only got worse! Guess sciatica didn't get the god dam memo huh? Maybe cursing it will show her I mean business. I totally felt out of my mind for saying that. But that's how I felt.. Can't take it back! Won't take it back either! A few moment later she ask me, What is the offending behavior? Besides you and your buddies showing up uninvited? I yelled. My goddamn sciatica. Jesus! Haven't you all been paying even the slightest fucking attention? Go away and leave me alone. I just want to sit here and smoke my cigarette and drink my coffee.
I sat there on the edge of bed, expressing my gratitude for my heating pad and the electricity. The pain finally subsided to a dull ache. The sciatica was finally asleep. This was my opportunity to get ready for work. I knew if that bitch whore woke up, there'd be hell to pay. So ever so carefully I got dressed. I pulled on my shirt and suddenly felt an all too familiar pain creep through my abdomen. You have got to be kidding me? Seriously? You've been quiet for 2 weeks and you pick now to show your ass? Just as I verbally stated that out loud, the pain in my abdomen hit me again. I sat down on the toilet and rocked back and forth pleading with my abdomen. Please don't wake that bitch whore. I quietly said to myself. Please, God, Angels, Archangels, Antari, anybody! Somebody! Help me. Dead silence. Not even a cricket!!!!
As the pain in my abdomen continued it's own tirade, it occurred to me that all this pain was about me not believing that I am not being supported or heard. Memories of times I was dismissed and/or ignored; those short-lived moments when I was at my lowest, broke, facing homelessness and worst of all, no one to turn to. Crimeny Dutch! For what seemed like an eternity, I watched all those memories appear and disappear like some kind of paranormal slide show. I felt all the pain each one had caused me. I saw how I just took it or stomached it. The weight of those memories felt like I was being crushed by a boulder. It was too much for me to watch. I got up and poured myself another cup of coffee. As I made my way back to my bed, I "ran into" the female spirit that seemed determined to get her point across. What is good about that offending behavior? Situation? I stopped in the middle of the hallway, shaking my head and smiling, you are really determined aren't you? I'm not doing all that right now. Fuck off already! By the time I got back to my bed and heating pad, sciatica started back up. I started thinking to myself, is there anything good about this bullshit? All it does is drive me crazy! Then I started remembering how painful it was for me to speak up; the pain I felt when I was rudely dismissed; even more painful when it was done in front of other people. I saw the look on my young face, how I wanted to scream. But instead, kept silent. I thought how alone and unwanted I felt all through my life. I was the invisible woman. They only saw me when they wanted something from me and then toss me aside like one would do a newspaper after reading it. Memories of me as an adult where I spoke up, took up for myself, only to be shut down, knocked over and railroaded; and yes dismissed and/or ignored.
Somewhere along the line, I got tired and finally gave up. I stopped talking. I stopped sharing my thoughts, my wisdom, my questions, etc. I stopped creating beautiful signature tags and Facebook time line covers, I stopped writing my books and blogging. I stopped trying to make new friends or connecting with old friends. I just stopped living altogether. I gave up to just muddle through this existence until it was time to go Home. And where did all that get me??!!! I'll tell you what it got me...A cancer filled colon, a hyper active unknown tumor (that I have named Phil), anemia, A-Fib, kidney issues, migraines and that bitch whore sciatica! Lucky me!
I could feel the female energy move in closer. I yelled out, what part of NO do you not understand bitch? I don't want to do this Kelly Sullivan thing right now! I can't! I have to go to work. So shut the fuck up and go away. Fuck all of you!
Walking to the bus stop this morning was one of the most painful journeys in recent memory. When I finally made it to the stop I could hear spirit talking and asking questions. I spoke up, yes I did. Look, either heal me or get the fuck away from me! I am hurting too bad to listen to your bullshit. I asked you to heal me and obviously the answer is a big fat fuck you Julia. Because I'm still in misery here! That's when I heard someone say, your soul insists on having this experience. To which I replied out loud, for all to hear, then over ride that bitch's directive and pull out this goddamn pain! For just a few moments the pain was gone. when it did come back it wasn't as intense. Thoughts started forming of my past again. I could see the pain some of my persecutors were going through. My mother being at the top of that list. They were projecting onto me their own personal pain. They were all scared of not being heard or taken seriously. Each one had been taken for granted so much. They were all betrayed and abandoned. Hurt people hurt other people. One of the spirits whispered. This is so damn true. That's when it hit me that I was peering into the looking glass.
I thought you didn't want to that Kelly Sullivan thing? The female spirit asked. I'm not per se. And stop listening in on my personal conversations. And then the female spirit asked me, How will you allow this situation to lift you up? Elevate you? I have no clue! The bus is coming and I really don't know. Okay?
So that is pretty much how my day started. Granted, I'm in a better mood now. The spirits have all gone quiet. For now at least. The old bitch whore is calming down now. Still a little achy, but it's doable!
For you all that's new to Kelly Sullivan her formula for working through situations is called O.G.L.E.
O.G.L.E. stands for the following:
O: What is the Offending behavior/situation
G: What is Good about that offending behavior?
L: How am I Looking into the mirror?
E: How will I allow this situation to Elevate me? What Elevated action will I take?
Right now I'm not sure how to allow this situation to elevate me or what actions I will take to allow it to it's stuff. I just know that I got a clearer understanding of this pain and illness.
That's all I have for now. I actually feel much better letting it all out. It's been too long! For now the Universe can just fuck off! I'm tired, in pain and really would love a bacon cheeseburger!
Unless otherwise specified, ALL articles on this Blogger are the property of Julia K. Cole. The ZEN of Duct Tape™, it's name, teachings, modalities, and all excerpts; the nicknames The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape™, The Duct Tape Diva™; Putting Reality Back Into Spirituality™, Reality back into Spirituality™ are the property and trade marks of Julia K. Cole and are protected under Copy Right Laws both here in the USA and Around The World.
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