So the questions remain ... what am I so angry about? Why did I feel the need to suppress them? Ignore them?
The first thing that comes to mind is how I didn't grieve for friends and family that made their transition. As I wrote that sentence I could actually feel the resentment swelling up. I take responsibility as to why I didn't take time to grieve. I was so busy holding everybody else up. (I chose that) I had to stand strong for everybody else. (I chose that) At the end of the day, I was alone. There was no one there to comfort me. And when I say no one I am talking about other humans. Sure I had spirits around comforting me, lending me assistance and pouring out love. And while I appreciate that more than words can express, I yearned to be comforted by others here in the physical. Our earthly bodies were designed to be nurtured by other humans. We long for that human touch. It's how we were made. I am no different. What would it have hurt for someone to put their arms around me and tell me it was all going to be okay? Again, I can't blame them for their lack of sympathy and empathy. I was standing strong. So why in the hell would I need comforting!
Even so, I resent every last one of them for not seeing I was in pain. I resent them for being so damn selfish, so self-absorbed, and self-centered that they couldn't see that I was falling apart. So I shoved it all down. Because that part of me that cares didn't want them to feel bad. I needed them to know that it was all going to be okay. Even though I didn't believe it myself.
Anger at not standing up to the bullies in my life. The tragic assholes who were always telling me to shut up or saying -- oh you shouldn't be saying that, etc., etc. Angry with myself for not telling them all how I really felt. Sure I would say something, but not enough to make them leave me alone. Not enough to make them go away never to return. And certainly not enough to make the pain stop.
Anger for not standing strong when I could have. Anger for not walking away when I damn well should have. Anger for not being better -- not being enough!
All this came up during my gratitude practice. Why? Because I didn't feel grateful for these experiences. Do I now? I'll get back to you on that!
******
Okay, I'm ready! Yea, I'm just damned pissed. I Acknowledged my pissosity! I accept it as the growth spurt it truly is! And yes! I AM Grateful!!!!
Today ...
I Am Grateful for my pissosity showing up. I am Grateful for this state of being pissed is showing me that I have yet to heal. Healing is such a great process! And I am grateful that I have this awareness, this opportunity to truly heal from these things.
I Am Grateful for my anger. It is showing me that it's okay to be ME! My anger is letting me know I AM Good Enough! Always have been! My anger is letting me know that it is perfectly okay if others don't accept me as is! It really is! Thank you anger! You're damn awesome! I Am so grateful you resurfaced!
I Am Grateful for my resentment. Like it's brothers and sisters pissosity and anger, it is showing me it is safe to let it all go. It has shown me that I survived the rough spots. It has reminded me to give myself permission to let it all go. And I do! And I am!
I Am Grateful for all my spirit helpers, friends, and family; for All the Angels who have stood by me. I Am so very thankful for their continuous love, compassion, and understanding.
I Am Grateful for my ability to acknowledge, accept and release all my anger, pissosity and resentments. In acknowledging, accepting and releasing I am in a position to grow, expand and strengthen my Self. Expand my awareness; expand my natural state of love, my natural state of Being. For all of this, and so much more, I AM Grateful!
I Am Grateful for all the bullies that showed up in my life's journey. They have taught me the importance of standing up for myself. The importance of standing my ground and not giving up.
I Am Grateful for all my earth teachers have shown up at the exact right time in my life. Their experiences, their wisdom, their willingness to share and be vulnerable has shown me what true strength is. I appreciate their courage. It has reignited my own courage. And I am truly thankful for these fellow earth travellers. I would be so lost without them!
I Am Grateful for my ability to be open to learning and relearning. This has been a great reminder that while I may know EVERYTHING -- I still don't remember/recall 99.9% of it! Real Talk! I love knowing that I still can (and do) learn each and every day! What a wonderful adventure that is! Brings me so much joy!
I Am Grateful for my ability to let it all go whenever I damn well choose! I enjoy the freedom of letting it all go. I enjoy the smile it puts on my face I thoroughly enjoy the feeling it gives.
I Am Especially Grateful for being able to Forgive. Forgiveness of my Self in particular. Looking back, I did the best I could at that given time. Forgiveness of my Self for not knowing better allows me to do better....be better in this here and now! And for that I am truly thankful!
Embrace ALL that you Are!
For YOU ... Are ALL that there Is!
Known as The Empress of the Known & Unknown Universes™ and The Diva of Duct Tape, Julia has made it her personal mission to put Reality back into Spirituality™. Julia sets out to assist people in expanding their conscious awareness through her rather unique and personal take on the human experience.
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