For me, 2010 was also a time for reunions and re-connections of past relationships. I reconnected with some old school friends and, with my estranged mother.
The following is excerpts from The ZEN of Duct tape: An Empress is Born!
The reconnection with my old school mates was brief -- like ships passing in the night. It was wonderful to see them again. And it was nice remembering our childhood adventures together. This did help me to remember where I came from, and too, showed me how very far I had come.
The reunion with my mother, however, was and continues to be, a real challenge. She and I never had a good relationship. I wasn't the daughter she wanted and she let me know it on a regular on-going basis. I was made the leper of the family -- my siblings, and other family members, followed my mother's good "Christian" example and treated me accordingly. I was the outsider. A non-family member-- member, if you will. A fact I accepted long ago.
The last conversation I had had with my mother, before our reunion, was this past spring. I had asked to borrow money to cover a utility bill that was more than I could pay. I was told no, she couldn't loan me anything because I wasn't serving her god. But then I later found out she had given other family members larger amounts than I had asked to borrow. Family members whose deities are crack pipes, race horses and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Typical. But ... that's the way it's always been. Actually, it was nice to see that nothing had changed. (sarcasm alert).
Being an outsider, you aren't privy to certain information. I was not made aware of mother's time in a nursing home nor was I told of her rapidly diminishing health. I wasn't told of the other things either ... not while they were occurring that is. In fact, I didn't know anything until September 30th of this year. To make a rather long story short -- when I was finally told what was going on -- I went into shock.
As a child, you never believe your parents can get sick. As a child, one of your greatest fears is losing your parents. Being an adult doesn't change any of that. Seeing my mother bed fast, blind and helpless has been the hardest thing to deal with. But not as hard as having to deal with the stuck on stupid assholes I call my relatives!
Since that day in September, I have been grappling with a number of things. I am caught between three warring factions inside of me. A part of me wants to kick the ass of every last person in this family. In all seriousness,that particular part of me just wants to beat them into a greasy spot! Then there is that other part of me that just wants to pity them, put my arms around them and tell them it's alright. And then there is that one wee part of me that just wants to pity ME!
But something inside of me screams out ... It doesn't matter! Even as I stand next to my mother's bed, looking down at the woman whose last real lucid words to me was ... I'm so ashamed of you ! You're not my daughter! ... that voice from somewhere deep down inside screams out at me drowning the ghostly voices of the past ... screeching in my ears... It does NOT matter!
Even as she is asking me, "Who are you?" again for the tenth time ... the voice inside of my head is screaming those four words -- It does NOT matter!!
Mother's health and mental faculties have depleted, and are rapidly fading away with each passing day now. She worked so hard to forget me throughout these last 50 years -- and now she has accomplished what she set out. In her current state, she doesn't know who I am. She only knows I am the person who comes to visit, who comes to sit by her bed to feed her and give her something to drink, the person who holds her hand and calls her sweetie and honey. She thinks I'm precious for taking time out to do all that. She told me how she wished her children would be more like me.
Mother remembers all their names -- even the names of my own children and dead husband. But she doesn't remember my name nor does she remember who I am. She only knows I am some nice lady who shows her kindness and compassion. She only knows I am nothing like her children!
Throughout all that -- the voice inside me screams ... It doesn't matter!
When the social worker came to check on mother, she didn't know who I was. She didn't know Mrs. Cole had another daughter -- she only knew of the three other daughters, the two sons and the grandsons who lived with mother (my two kids). On her little list, there was only seven names listed--mother's other five children. And of course, the two grandsons (both my sons) that lived with her, taking care of her the best they can. No one, not even my own children, bothered to tell the worker, the nurses or doctor that I even existed. When I told the worker who I was, I suppose it was out of habit or some weird reflex that she asked ... Are you sure? I know she didn't ask that question to hurt me. And I had to laugh. Poor thing didn't know she had just participated in a long running joke! *LOL*
Growing up, I related to the little Whos in Dr. Suess' immortal classic, Horton Hears A Who. I often found myself screaming -- I am here! I am HERE!! These past few months brought all those memories back. I was once again screaming, I am here! I am HERE!
Have to be honest, I was seriously considering looking to see how much an elephant costs! *LOL*
On the bright side -- During these last few months, I have gained so much clarity ... so much perspective. All the heartache I had endured during my life time, all the humiliations and the agony of not being wanted, not being accepted, not being seen or heard, melted into nothingness as I stood by my mother's bed.
It didn't occur to me until this morning, as I began writing this that my mother's gift to me was ... "It doesn't matter!"
Her not remembering my name or who I was -- was a gift! It was her way of telling me--showing me ... that all that transpired in the past was for my personal benefit! It made me stronger! Mother, in her own special way, worked so damn hard to get me to accept ME. To hear myself when that little voice from within spoke out. And at long last ... she has succeeded!
Her telling me how she wished her children were like me -- allowed me to see how very different I truly was from all of them. She taught me it really didn't matter what was said or thought about me. Especially, and in particularly what they had to say about me.
The lesson was driven home -- HARD! It was true! What my other family members (or anyone else for that matter) have to say or think about me -- doesn't matter! Truthfully, it never really did.
It occurs to me the real reason for all their bitterness, hatefulness and anger. It Could be they know their opinions of me really doesn't matter -- their cruelty isn't important to me. I mean, it has to be annoying to know they have little to no importance in my life. From their attitudes -- it does annoy them to some degree. It could be because they know I am not impressed by their aloofness, their exclusive cliques, their ability to stay stuck. They look so tired and worn out from working so hard to impress someone who doesn't care. It could be too, that what bothers them the most is ... That no matter what ... I love them ... and I forgive them. And that perhaps could be the final nail in their pathetic coffins they call their life. To know they are loved when they feel so deeply they don't deserve it.
Could be a combination of all these things. hmmmmm ... could be! GADS! No wonder they are so mean and nasty! So happy that I am NOT like them! yea!!!
Again, clarity has taught me that the past served it's purpose -- it created the person I am today!
All in all ... not too bad! No! Not too bad at all!
Being an outsider -- not being a part of that family -- didn't matter. And it doesn't matter! I truly didn't belong-- and don't belong! I never did. I was and still am ... so obviously not one of them. THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!
And the kicker ... mother knew that all along! Even in her now demented and debilitating state ... she knows. She knows I am not one of them! And she knew all along ... I never was!
WOW! Talk about a swift change in perspective there!
Oh yea! My perspective has changed dramatically now. My good ole friend Clarity saw to that! With a little help from my mother,my family and a few selected acquaintances ... of course!
I don't feel so much like a WHO now. So I guess I won't be needing that elephant after all.
*~*~*~*~*
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