Final Thoughts on 2010: Part IV -- Letting Go

2011 is only a few hours away now.  As I sit here writing this note-- my final one for 2010-- my mind is racing. 

As in times past, I have said good-bye --and in some instances good riddance-- to many people.     It's to be expected.  All a Part of our  life's journey.   2010 is no exception.  But unlike years past, the people I let go in 2010 -- I don't miss. 

Could be I've just grown tired of them running in and out of my life willy nilly.  Could be that I just out grown their foolishness and childishness.  And it could be that I didn't like them to begin with and it finally dawned on me to kick their sorry asses to the curb and leave them there!.  Could be a combination of all the above.  hmmmm... could be!

I will give them all kudos for bringing into my life --clarity and perspective.  And I am truly grateful for that.  However, it is interesting to experience this sensation of not missing anyone.  I don't feel it very often, and when I do ... I like to enjoy it!

It is quite amusing though ... how each of us will drag the same tired annoying people back into our lives time and time and time again ... only to have to kick them back out on the curb over and over ... and over again.   

Stubborn and hard headed bunch ... aren't we? 

But 2010 stepped in and pretty much gave us an ultimatum ... let them go now or you'll find yourself stuck with them until death do you part!  oy!  If that doesn't send shivers up and down your spines -- don't know what will!   Or maybe that was just me?   

Most of the people I let go -- are the ones I had let go in years past.  And for whatever reason, I invited them back in only to have to show them the "door" once again.   Sitting here, I remember hearing this little voice say to myself -- "they'll be back!"   In 2010 ... I didn't hear that voice.    What a relief!

But I will admit ... there is a part of me that is scared to death of letting go.   Not that I have a choice!  Letting go is something I find myself doing  all the damn time!  Whether or not I want to -- whether or not I like it!  Besides ... I've seen what The Universe can do if I hold on for too long.  Yikes! 

It all feels so different this time around though.  yea, I'm still a little jittery about the whole letting go process.  But --at the same time -- I'm a little excited! 

Many years ago, I wrote an article about letting go.  (the link to that note can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=649552801&notes_tab=app_2347471856#!/note.php?note_id=346121348855)

In the past few days, I have found myself going back to read and re-read it.    I guess I just needed that little extra boost to get me moving -- that little reminder if you will -- to help me make that final leap forward!  I mean, it's not like I'm going to let go without a fight -- right?  *LOL*

This year though, the need -- the urge -- to fight to keep the old crap is not there anymore.  In the last six months alone... I have cleaned out every closet and cabinet --thrown out several truck loads of stuff that I don't need, forgot I had or just don't want any more.    It felt good!  It felt so much cleaner and lighter -- on every level!   I had forgotten what it felt like to have less stuff laying around.  I had forgotten what it was like to open my closet and not get a concussion!  *ROFL*  Feels damn good -- that's for sure!  Well ... mentally & emotionally it felt great.  My body, on the other had ... not so much!!   oy vey!  After all that cleaning and clearing ... I was hurting in places I didn't even know existed!  But still ... I felt so happy!  And cleaner! 

The people I removed from my life -- gave me the same feelings.  Yea -- got that same sensation of it hurting in places I didn't know was there.  But at the same time ... I felt great, I felt relieved ... I felt lighter -- cleaner -- Happier!  Relieved even! 

Saying good-bye is never easy.  No one said it would be.  Some times it hurts like a bitch!  But in the end, we are happier, healthier and cleaner for it. 

The paths we set out for ourselves are not the easiest to travel.  But as much as we moan, groan and bitch about it being so hard --in secret, way deep down inside -- we wouldn't have it any other way!  Because we know on a soul level -- if it were easy -- there would be no point in trying!  All the "fun" in doing it would be gone.  And most importantly, we wouldn't have anything to bitch about -- and where would the fun in THAT be?  Seriously!!!!???  *LOLOLOL*

All kidding aside ... we have faced our fears, we have learned from them, grown from them and have become better and stronger for it.  We have learned what not to do and how not to be!  So in the end my friends ... it was all worth it!  Wouldn't you agree?  

The time has come now for me to "let go" of 2010.  I wish to thank you for being there for me!  Thank you for all the laughter, for all the tears.  For all the joy and pain.  I'm sure there will be more to come in this brand new year!

I leave you with this piece of advice that was given me over 40 years ago.  Something my grandmother shared with me.  And now ... I share it with all of you.

"After all that has been said and done, love is all that matters.  When you remember the hardships, the pain and the hurt, remember that after all that has been said and done to you -- Love is all that matters!  When you remember the joy, the laughter and the wonderful friendships and relationships that have come and gone in your life, please daughter remember that in the end ... Love is all that matters!  No matter what comes or goes, please promise me that you will always remember ...  Love -- is all that matters!  Love is all that ever truly mattered!" ~ Virginia Lane Moore

From me and my family ... to you and yours ...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My Thoughts on 2010: Part III -- Perspective

This note, has by far, been the hardest to write.  I really wanted to write something more whimsical, more aligned and upbeat.  But spirit has pushed me into pouring out my heart -- and I have come to trust they know it is needed -- more than I do.

For me, 2010 was also a time for reunions and re-connections of past relationships.  I reconnected with some old school friends and, with my estranged mother. 

The following is excerpts from The ZEN of Duct tape: An Empress is Born!

The reconnection with my old school mates was brief -- like ships passing in the night.  It was wonderful to see them again.  And it was nice remembering our childhood adventures together.  This  did help me to remember where I came from, and too, showed me how very far I had  come.

The reunion with my mother, however, was and continues to be, a real challenge.  She and I never had a good relationship.  I wasn't the daughter she wanted and she let me know it on a regular on-going  basis.  I was made the leper of the family -- my siblings, and other family members, followed my mother's good "Christian" example and treated me accordingly.  I was the outsider.  A non-family member-- member, if you will.  A fact I accepted long ago.

The last conversation I had had with my mother,  before our reunion,  was this past spring.  I had asked to borrow money to cover a utility bill that was more than I could pay.  I was told no, she couldn't loan me anything because I wasn't serving her god.  But then I  later found out she had given other family members larger amounts than I had asked to borrow.  Family members whose deities are crack pipes, race horses and a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Typical.   But ... that's the way it's always been.  Actually, it was nice to see that nothing had changed.   (sarcasm alert).

Being an outsider, you aren't privy to certain information.  I was not made aware of mother's time in a nursing home nor was I told of her rapidly diminishing health.  I wasn't told of the other things either ... not while they were occurring that is.  In fact, I didn't know anything until September 30th of this year.    To make a rather long story short -- when I was finally told what was going on -- I went into shock.

As a child, you never believe your parents can get sick.  As a child, one of your greatest fears is losing your parents.  Being an adult doesn't change any of that.  Seeing my mother bed fast, blind and helpless has been the hardest thing to deal with.  But not as hard as having to deal with the stuck on stupid assholes I call my relatives!

Since that day in September, I have been grappling with a number of things.   I am caught between three  warring factions inside of me.  A part of me wants to  kick the ass of every last person in this family.  In all seriousness,that particular part of me just wants to beat them into a greasy spot!  Then there is that other part of me that just wants to pity them, put my arms around them and tell them it's alright.  And then there is that one wee part of me that just wants to pity ME!

But something inside of me screams out ... It doesn't matter!   Even as  I stand next to my mother's bed, looking down at  the woman whose last real lucid words to me was ... I'm so ashamed of you !  You're not my daughter! ... that voice from somewhere deep down inside screams out at me drowning the ghostly voices of the past ... screeching in my ears... It does NOT matter! 

Even as she is asking me, "Who are you?" again for the tenth time ... the voice inside of my head is screaming those four words -- It does NOT matter!!

Mother's health and mental faculties have depleted, and are rapidly fading away with each passing day now.  She worked so hard to forget me throughout these last 50 years -- and now she has accomplished what she set out.  In her current state, she doesn't know who I am.   She only knows I am the person who comes to visit, who comes to sit by her bed to feed her and give her something to drink, the person who holds her hand and calls her sweetie and honey.  She thinks I'm precious for taking time out to do all that.  She told me how she wished her children would be more like me. 

Mother remembers all their names -- even the names of my own children and dead husband.  But she doesn't remember my name nor does she remember who I am.  She only knows I am some nice lady who shows her kindness and compassion.  She only knows I am nothing like her children!

Throughout all that -- the voice inside me screams ... It doesn't matter!

When the social worker came to check on mother, she didn't know who I was.  She didn't know Mrs. Cole had another daughter -- she only knew of the three other daughters,  the two sons and the grandsons who lived with mother (my two kids).   On her little list, there was only seven names listed--mother's other five children.  And of course,  the two grandsons  (both my sons) that lived with her, taking care of her the best they can.  No one, not even my own children, bothered to tell the worker, the nurses or doctor that I even existed.   When I told the worker who I was,   I suppose it was out of habit or some weird reflex that she asked ... Are you sure?   I know she didn't ask that question to hurt me.  And I had to laugh.  Poor thing didn't know she had just participated in a long running joke!  *LOL*

Growing up, I related to the little Whos in Dr. Suess' immortal classic, Horton Hears A Who.  I often found myself screaming -- I am here! I am HERE!!  These past few months brought all those memories back.  I was once again screaming, I am here!  I am HERE! 

Have to be honest, I was seriously considering  looking to see how much an elephant costs!  *LOL* 

On the bright side -- During these last few months, I have gained so much clarity ... so much  perspective.  All the heartache I had endured during my life time, all the humiliations and the agony of not being wanted, not being accepted, not being seen or heard,   melted into nothingness as I stood by my mother's bed. 

It didn't occur to me until this morning, as I began writing this that my mother's gift to me was ... "It doesn't matter!"

Her not remembering my name or who I was -- was a gift!  It was her way of telling me--showing me ... that all that transpired in the past was for my personal benefit!  It made me stronger!   Mother, in her own special way, worked so damn hard to get me to accept ME.  To hear myself when that little voice from within spoke out. And at long last ... she has succeeded! 

Her telling me how she wished her children were like me -- allowed me to see how very different I truly was from all of them.   She taught me it really didn't matter what was said or thought about me.  Especially, and in particularly what they had to say about me.

The lesson was driven home -- HARD!  It was true!  What my other family members (or anyone else for that matter) have to say or think about me -- doesn't matter!  Truthfully, it never really did. 

It occurs to me the real reason for all their bitterness, hatefulness and anger.  It  Could be  they know their opinions of me really doesn't matter -- their cruelty isn't important to me.   I mean, it has to be annoying to know they have little to no importance in my life.  From their attitudes -- it does annoy them to some degree.   It could be because they know I am not impressed by their aloofness,  their exclusive cliques, their ability to stay stuck.  They look so tired and worn out from working so hard to impress someone who doesn't care.    It could be too, that what bothers them the most is ...  That no matter what ... I love them ... and I forgive them.   And that perhaps could be the final nail in their pathetic coffins they call their life.   To know they are loved when they feel so deeply they don't deserve it.  

Could be a combination of all these things.  hmmmmm ... could be!     GADS!  No wonder they are so mean and nasty!   So happy that I am NOT like them!  yea!!!

Again, clarity has taught me that the past served it's purpose -- it created the person I am today!  

All in all ... not too bad!  No!  Not too bad at all! 

Being an outsider -- not being a part of that family -- didn't matter.  And it doesn't matter!   I truly didn't belong-- and don't belong!   I never did.  I was and still am ...  so obviously not one of them. THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!  

And the kicker ...  mother knew that all along!  Even in her now demented and debilitating state ... she knows.  She knows I am not one of them! And she knew all along ... I never was!

WOW!  Talk about a swift change in perspective there!

Oh yea!  My perspective has changed dramatically now.   My good ole friend Clarity saw to that!  With a little help from my mother,my family and a few selected acquaintances ... of course! 

I don't feel so much like a WHO now.  So I guess I won't be needing that elephant after all.

*~*~*~*~*

My Thoughts on 2010: Part II -- Clarity

Our human experience has been, and continues to be, filled with all sorts of life changing moments.  Good, bad or indifferent--these life changing moments bring us ... Clarity!

Clarity is not always welcomed in our lives.  Especially, and in particularly, when it comes through events that are less than pleasant.    As human experiencers, we have clarity coming to us in  a wide variety of ways.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some downright humiliating.  Some even debilitating!

But no matter how it comes to us,  no matter  form it chooses to take, rest assured -- when clarity comes -- you will  find yourself in a whole different state of thought and being. 

When clarity comes,  we feel that shift -- a literal and physical sensation -- that pulls our consciousness into a whole new awareness.  It is in that moment, we see things so clearly.  It is in that moment where everything and everybody appears so very different.  It is in that moment ... we actually (and literally) see what wasn't there before!  In truth,in that moment,  we see what was there all along!  But could not see ... or for some--refuse to see ... for one reason or another.

When clarity comes to us, realization hits and we find ourselves in a whole new experience.   Sadly, for many, this experience brings regret and sorrow.   As in the case of losing a loved one.

Clarity lays out the choices we always knew we had -- but never bothered to take advantage of.

Clarity knows no boundaries nor does it have any emotional ties to what is going on.  It doesn't care either way what you are going through -- it comes to do it's job and then departs ... leaving you with what you needed at that given time.

Clarity appears and brings with it a whole new perspective on so many things.   If we allow it, it will guide us  directly into a more expanded and higher awareness.  Through all the pain, all the anguish, and yes, even through all the yearning for that one last moment to set things right, to have that one last moment to say good-bye ... and I Love You.  Clarity is there waiting -- to show you the other choice!

Happy Are Those Who Live Without Regret!

Some of you may remember the show,  Crossing Over with John Edward.  At the end of every show, John would urge his audience to communicate, appreciate and validate those in their lives each and every day.  He encouraged us to do this in order to live our lives without regret -- and too,  so we would not have to seek out the services of mediums such as himself.

Very Wise indeed!

This admonishment brought me clarity -- so I decided to take it even further.  Not only do I practice this with those I love, but I also express it to those I dislike, loathe and just can't stand! And trust me ... I have a very long list of those people!

Communicate, Appreciate and Validate -- CVA for short.   I urge everyone to CVA everyone in their lives Each and Every day.   And I do mean everyone!

 The act of forgiveness is not the condoning of any action -- but the refusal to carry the pain that action prompted into motion!  ~ Antari

Forgiveness is a beautiful art form in motion -- rare and ingenious.  Very few have mastered it.  Each person--for whatever reason --  has chosen to hold on to the pain -- as if it were a matter of life or death.  In punishing ourselves, we have collectively convinced ourselves that we are somehow, in some way, punishing the "guilty party."  Clarity steps in and shows us the bigger picture.  Clarity shows us  how very silly -- if not comical --that particular belief truly is.

Letting go is a process that must be consciously practice.  Sadly, in the age of "instant gratification" ... people have grown lazy.  They have found it easier to just hold on to the hurt.  They found it easier to bitch and moan about "it" rather than  letting it go.

I spoke to a woman today who flat out refuse to let go.  She actually told me, and I quote ... "I rather feel the pain than nothing at all!" unquote.

In my line of work, I have come across numerous individuals with that exact same mind set.  They are miserable.  But yet, they don't want to do anything about it -- but bitch!   Many of them are looking for a "magical cure" that will bring them happiness.  Sorry folks!  Don't work that way!  Never did!  A little something Clarity taught me!

When you consciously work to forgive -- to let go -- communicating your appreciation and validation to all those who have come in your life -- Clarity is there with its faithful companions ... peace, contentment, joy and wisdom.

When Clarity comes, it is showing you the choices you have right there in front of you.  Good, Bad or Indifferent.

Choosing to forgive, strengthens your clarity.  

Choosing to communicate your appreciation and validating those (all of those) in your life, strengthens your clarity.

Choosing to let go, strengthens your clarity.

Clarity brings about a peace that no one can take away.  Clarity brings you the strength to stand in your own power.

Clarity makes you a great mountain -- unmovable, resilient, tall and strong.   Like that  literal mountain ... you stand there in your peaceful  knowing-ness as the winds blow and howl all around.   And like that literal mountain, you too will continue to stand strong -- and never bend to those angry winds.  Knowing that no matter how strong that wind is  or becomes... you will never bow to them!

Clarity ... yea it's all that and a bag  of chips!

My Thoughts on 2010: Part I -- "Maybe"

Maybe it was because I have had my fill and finally gave in to my fatigue.  In truth, I have grown weary of the same energy draining people who have come into my life.  Maybe it's because I've grown older -- and yes,  a bit wiser.   There is something to be said about growing old.  Maybe it's because I was actually paying attention this year.  In my defense, I was more alert and aware in 2010.

Hmmm ...   Maybe -- just maybe  ...all these wondrous changes and shifts in 2010 was due to all that conscious work I do,  and had been doing,  on my Self.  I mean,  I've been working very hard for years. Truth be told,  centuries -- eons even!!  *LOL*

Maybe a combination of all the above? 

Maybe!

The lessons that have repeated themselves year after year after year (etc., etc.) have finally sunk in. And by the powers of duct tape --in 2010, I do believe I got it!  I finally got it! 

Maybe.

Naturally, time will be the final deciding factor. 

Keeping that little nugget of wisdom in mind, I know there will be many more lessons to come -- some even a repeat and rehash of some of the old lessons.  I'm nobody's fool!  I've been paying attention! I know how the Universe operates.  I know how it loves to see if you really DID get it!!! But this feeling I have though --it's just difficult to put into words how I am feeling.  I just feel ... different. 

In all honesty, I don't remember feeling this way before. And even if I did -- I don't ever recall it being this profound! 

I first  began feeling it back in August of this year. I remember because It jostled me out of a deep sleep.   As I lay there in my bed, I recall saying out loud in  that moment ... "Something has changed!"   Gross understatement!  To be sure!  The events that unfolded that day,  and the days that followed, proved just how grossly understated that one particular thought had been!

2010 has been an outstanding year for rooting up, releasing and rejecting all the old crap that no longer serves us.  And from my observations, and personal experiences ...  resistance was more of a waste than ever before in 2010!

Well ... maybe it was just my own perspective that caused me to see all that.  Maybe!  Or maybe -- just maybe -- I am one of the few who did (at long last) ... finally accept the wisdom of our collective past experiences.  And maybe --just maybe -- we have finally all collectively  connected and come together -- reuniting after all these life times -- like the proverbial "birds of a feather" who naturally flock together.  Maybe as we slowly (but surely) congregate in massive numbers-- collectively and individually -- consciously leaving the old ways behind!  And in our collective-ness -- our gathering-ness ... we are leaving behind an incredible legacy! 

hmmm.  May --- Be!

As I finish up this note -- two songs played back to back ... the first "Can't Fight This Feeling" and "Hooked on a Feeling!"

Think The Universe is trying to tell me something. 

hmmm ... maybe!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 2010

Every year since having this blog, I have posted all the holiday sig tags I have made.    I do this to not just show off my favorite hobby -- but more importantly -- to express my heart to all of you!

In celebration of the 2010 Christmas Season -- I am once again posting all my Christmas sig tags!

**WARNING** 

some of the graphics used are Adult content.  

So please use discretion!

 

I Believe! (An Open Letter to Santa)

Dearest Santa,

When I was a child, I wasn’t allowed to openly acknowledge you.  I grew up in a home that didn’t believe in you, in Christmas or anything magical.  But I want you to know (though I feel you always did) that I believed.

I believed despite what my mother told me.  And I believed in spite of what my older brothers and sisters said.  I believed.  No matter what the other children said with respect to your existence.  I believed.

Though I was never allowed to say it out loud ... I Believed!

After I became an adult and left home, I was finally free to express my beliefs out in the open.   I still meet with all sorts of nay sayers who shout “There is no Santa!“  

But Santa … I have to tell you … no matter the opposition … there is no greater feeling than being able to say those two little words … I Believe!  And despite, and in spite of, the nay sayers -- I said it!  And I continue to say it!  I BELIEVE!

Santa, I know Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th   … but what does it matter?  I fail to understand why it is such a bad thing to honor the Christ -- if only once a year.    I, and many others like myself,  honor Him each and every day of the year.    But what difference does it make what day Jesus was born if … if …it brings many more to honor him.  If only just for that day?   And Santa, whose to say that one day doesn’t motivate someone to do it more than just on Christmas? I believe it does! 

Santa, I know the Christmas Tree isn’t a Christian thing.  But what does that matter?  It’s beautiful!  And it is a wonderful reminder of so many things.   

For me personally … The lights represent each and every person  who shares their love to others.  These are the People who live by the words Jesus exclaimed “Let your light shine bright among men!” 

The tinsel, are the folks who are not yet ready to let their light shine so bright, but still show love in some way on some level.   And their love is reflected off their shiny faces -- just like the lights reflect off the silvery and gold strips on the tree.

Each ornament reminds us of those we love, have loved,  those we yet to love, and most importantly … those we don’t even know, but love just the same.

The Angel I put at the top of my tree reminds me that our Beloved and most Divine Creators are watching over us--that They have never forgotten us (nor will They Ever!).  It is also a reminder that They have put in position myriads of helpers for us while we are here on Earth.

And Santa … I know you are the icon  of Giving!   But you are so much more … aren’t you?  Yes, you my dear, are the symbol of courage, love, happiness, joy and generosity.    Attributes each of us have -- but rarely express to others … and rarer still … to our selves.    Many have forgotten that it's not you the person, but what you represent that makes you so grand, and why it is so important to never forget!

Santa, I know ... and I believe ... The Magic of Christmas is the one time of year when people get the chance to collectively remember that Love --That generosity --That courage--That Happiness & Joy.    Some do, but then forget the next day.  Some scoff Christmas, saying it is nothing but a scam … so they miss out on the messages yet again.  But Santa, there are those of us who do Believe in the Magic of Christmas!   And we carry it with us through out the year.

I know Santa,  that Christmas is really an ancient custom called Saturnalia.  But I also know that in these modern times, just like in times of old,  we are given on this one day,  the opportunity to see from the "other's point of view."  Christians, Pagans, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, all the other religions ... and even atheists too.  If only we believe ... we can take that one day and see from another's point of view!  And through this ... learn and grow ... and remember the Love we are.


For these reasons, and so many more,  is why I believe Santa!  This is why I have always believed!  And I promise you, will continue to believe no matter what! 

Santa, I remember Jesus saying to"be like the little children".  I know he was trying to tell us all to see the wonderments and splendors of all creation.   To see through the eyes of a child is to see the world for the very first time.  How truly splendid it is!  How magical it all is!  To be free to  love and be In Joy without inhibitions!   

And I do that myself Santa!   And I know others do as well.   Sadly, the majority of this world have gone from being child-like to childish.  Constantly fighting and quarreling amongst one another.   Santa,  they lost their magic.    They don’t believe -- and now they are miserable. 

Santa, these folks have convinced themselves into thinking that now we're all grown up, we don’t have time to believe or we shouldn't believe because it's just for kids or it's stupid!    They don’t believe in you Santa.  They don’t believe in Jesus. Why some even go as far as saying there are no Divine Creators!  No wonder they're so miserable!  They have nothing to remind them of the Love and the Joy.  So it isn't any mystery why they're so angry all the time!

I know Santa that if they could get back their magic -- become a child again ... they would remember!  They too would believe!  And they would be so much happier!  I Believe this Santa!  I really and truly do!

Santa, I just wanted you to know that me and others are doing our best to help these people remember.   We are doing all we can to remind them of the Love and the Joy that is theirs, every day of the week.   And not just at Christmas time.   Me and all the others out there, we are doing all we know to help these souls to remember that Love takes on all sorts of shapes and forms.  That it comes in many ways, through many people and in different venues. Each and every single day of the year!

That the Spirit of Christmas is 24 hours a day -- 7 Days a Week!  If only They Believe!



But some times, I just get really fed up! They are a stubborn lot -- these unbelievers!

But I promise!  I will not give up!  I will continue my mission to help others remember!  To help them regain their sense of child-like wonder! 

I just wanted you to know Santa -- you, Jesus and our Divine Creators are  not alone nor are you ever forgotten!  And that no matter what …

I Believe!  Yes! I Do!


With much Love …

Domestic Violence: Taking It Like A Man -- The Untold Story

Domestic Violence.   It's Everybody's Business!

But how many turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to it?  Sadly too many to count.

While the majority of such violence reported involved  women and children, an alarming number of men who are victims go unreported ...  even ignored.

"... activists for “men’s rights” have suggested that policy-oriented efforts for women have been misplaced, because they focus entirely on women as the victims of domestic violence. 

“men are the victims of domestic violence at least as often as women” (Brott, 1994). "

[emphasis added]

(http://new.vawnet.org/Assoc_Files_VAWnet/GenderSymmetry.pdf)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And we are not just talking about gay men in this regard.   Hetero-sexual men fall prey to domestic abuse as well.  You don't hear about it very often -- if at all.   Pride and shame prevent many of these men from coming forward.  Shame of not being seen as a "real" man if they are being physically beaten up or verbally assaulted.   Especially, and in particularly, if their abuser is a woman!     And for our gay brothers ... the blame for being who they are is used to guilt them into staying silent.

So, for the most part,  they all collectively suffer alone.  

But why keep quiet?  Why hide the abuse?  

 

Like women, men go through the same emotional ups and downs, blaming themselves, taking on the responsibility of their partner's abusive behavior.  Men share the same type of shame for allowing it to happen, the same type of guilt for not being good enough and so on.   The same helplessness and hopelessness is shared.   Like women, men who are abused undergo all the above.  However, unlike women, men who are victimized deal  with one additional burden ... gender stereo typing. 

Men who are abused by women often suffer in silence. In addition to the shame shared by many women victims of domestic violence, men must overcome gender stereotypes. 

The emotional scars cannot be seen; and the physical scars are laughed off and/or lied about.  The pain and anguish is compounded when they hear someone say ... "take it like a man!"

Take it like a man -- meaning --  Take your licks and count yourself lucky you are still breathing and able to walk around!  You're a man after all!

Too many of our men have suffered at the hands of their abusers for far too long.  They take the abuse for one reason or another  -- "taking it like a man", as it were, for fear of being seen less than what they truly are. 

*~*~*~*

Growing up, I witnessed domestic violence first hand.   Both parents abusing each other -- verbally and physically.  But whenever the police came ... it was always my father they arrested.  Why?  Because he was the man!  They saw his injuries as something he deserved and/or something he was expected to take.  Adding insult to injury --- they viewed it as my mother defending herself each and every time.  Little did they know (or even cared) ... a good percentage of those injuries my father incurred over the years were due to my mother hitting him first!  And most of the time without little to no provocation!

But daddy took it like the man he was!  And he suffered quietly through the emotional turmoil, through the hurtful and spiteful jabs made by neighbors,  friends and family members.

There were only a few instances where daddy did get physical with mother.  The first incident was when Mother came at him with a butcher knife.  During an attempt to wretch it from her hand, daddy broke her little finger.   The second incident occurred a little over a year later, when she came after him with a baseball bat.  She had swung at him, barely missing his head.  Daddy turned around, grabbed mother and slammed her against a solid wood door, bruising her entire back.  Out of anger, frustration and no doubt abject fear, daddy punched his fist through the closet door.

Though it was in true self-defense, daddy  was arrested for both incidents.   And while I don't condone his actions (and neither did he), I can see why he did it -- why he had to.

When I was grown, I asked my father why he took it.  He told me ... that's what a real man does.  Crying about it makes you weak!  So you take it like a man and keep moving forward--hoping one day it will get better!

And then you have men who go to jail -- for literally not doing anything -- but was incarcerated  for the lies the woman in his life has told.     The law took the woman's side -- even when the man had visible injuries!

*~*~*~*

Working in the legal field, I witnessed a great deal of injustice against men.    One case  that stands out in my mind was "Charles" -- a long time  client and colleague who came to our office early one morning.  His dark handsome face was bruised, his left eye swollen shut, his right arm in a cast.   Every step he made was agony.  He had sustained a broken arm,  several fractured ribs and a sprang ankle.   Looking at him, one would immediately  assume he had been in some kind of auto accident.    Sadly, he was a victim of domestic violence.   

His wife of three years had been  beating him on a regular basis.      While  the physical injuries were, on average, sustained monthly --- the verbal and emotional abuse had been taking place daily  (we found this out during our investigation).

This case happened nearly 16 years ago  and I will never forget what my boss told "Charles" when he came in.  "I hope you packed your tooth brush pal!  'Cause you and I both know you're going to jail today!"  

And he did.   Though his wife never sustained so much as a scratch, and all medical records of his injuries were provided -- "Charles" was sentenced to one year for domestic abuse!

The lies  told were criminal all unto itself.  But the  literal miscarriage of justice in this particular instance was more than unbelievable -- it was unimaginable!

So why was "Charles" jailed for domestic violence?  Most men, by appearance only,  are seen intimidating and/or threatening.     I believe this was the case with "Charles".   I feel and truly believe that because of his nearly seven foot, lean 205 pound  athletic stature, he was deemed threatening to most people and his wife was a mere 5'2 and 98 pounds,  it was always assumed that "Charles" was the abuser.  Because  "Charles" was a man he was always seen as the perpetrator of any and all domestic disputes.

On the flip-side ... his appearance worked against him in other ways.  How so?  Most men (and women) saw  "Charles"  as a wuss, a sissy for allowing the abuse to take place.  After all ... he was the man!  And a giant of a man to boot!

For "Charles" and men like him ... it was a no win situation.

Sadly -- similar (or worse) cases happens all too often.    

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The good news is ... (if you can call it that) the laws are changing.  Albeit ever so slowly.  But they are changing in regards to how domestic violence is being handled by our legal system.

But they can only change and improve if we arm ourselves with knowledge and awareness.    The laws can only change and improve if we ourselves change and improve the way we view one another!

Remembering first and foremost that we are human beings -- men and women.

I urge you to  join together in bringing an end to this type of violence for both genders--irregardless of their sexual orientation!      But most importantly, I ask that all of you -- both ladies and  gentlemen --Keep in mind that men are human beings too!  They are just as vulnerable to the same feelings we women have.   They are  susceptible to the same injuries inflicted as we would be.    They need to know that we do not look down on them for  enduring such atrocities.  We don't see them less than a man for going through these traumas.

And as for you men ...  Stand up and let your voices be heard!

For you macho types ... get over yourselves!  

If you know of anyone -- be they male or female -- Gay, Straight or Bi -- who is living with domestic violence ... please make an effort to help.   I am Not asking you to put your life on the line ... there are people you can call, services you can offer to the abused in ways no one has to know.   But don't just stand there and do nothing!

If you are someone who is currently living with domestic violence ... SPEAK UP!  REACH OUT!   There are people out there ready, willing and able to help you.

If you are a man living with domestic violence or know someone who is ... there are places to go and people who will assist you.   No judgments ... only understanding & compassion.  

Please don't suffer in silence!  

Below I have listed a few sites and resources, as well as articles on male victims of domestic violence.   Pass them along to those in need.     Together we can raise awareness so no one need suffer ever again!

Domestic Violence.   It's Everybody's Business!

Resources:

National Domestic Abuse Hotline:  thehotline.org

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

http://www.menweb.org/battered/ 

http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelp.htm  ~ filled with articles and other resources.

S.A.F.E. (http://www.safe4all.org) concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbian women, because few services exist for these groups.

 

Articles of Interest:

http://www.ncdsv.org/publications_malevictims.html

http://menshealth.about.com/od/relationships/a/Battered_Men.htm

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml